| Yes, I'm alive still. I just wanted to write a quick entry since it has apparently been 32 weeks since I have posted. Gosh! Time goes by so fast even when you aren't having any fun. Well maybe I had a tiny bit of fun during those 32 weeks, but very teenie tiny. Just a speck that you can barely see.
I think that gives you an idea how my life has been while I've been away. I'll try to get back in the swing of things soon.
Vixen - Mood:groggy
 - Music:Na-dah
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| Yesterday sucked I woke up to my doorbell ringing at 6am. As I walked down my hall I quickly realized why someone was ringing my doorbell. There was a river in my hallway. Apparently the toilet kept making that running noise after flushing it & eventually it started to overflow. It was overflowing for at least an hour before the neighbors realized what they were hearing wasn't from the rain outside. Their wallpaper fell off the walls & water was flowing through there light fixtures. It really did a bunch of damage to them.
I just had a major mess to soak up & had almost a $400 plumbing bill from Roto-Rooter. The plumber was a super hot hispanic guy & of course I looked like super crap. He said the "ball cock" was broken in the tank. I kept asking him what he said because I thought I was misunderstanding him. He had a heavy hispanic accent. He kept saying you need a new ball cock. I said, "ball cot" & he said "no, ball cock". It must be hard for him to say that without laughing. I looked into the tank a few minutes ago to see if my new ball cock looked the same, but the new ball cock has no ball just a cock. Kind of odd. Oh well as long as it works I don't care if my cock has no ball. I had a boyfriend like that once. His balls were no where to be found. I kept trying to find them but no such luck.
I guess that is it for now. Have a great weekend!
 - Mood:drained
 - Music:None
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| This is my new friend Michael. He's in my art class on Tuesday afternoons. Last Tuesday he purposed to me. There was no ring but he did offer me a plant. He's too sweet. You must admit he's cute as a button.  - Mood:sleepy
- Music:"StrangeLove" - Depeche Mode
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| “Jealous Terrorist” may top them all even "Kinda Built". I have so many stories I will have to use multiple names, which makes since in this case. He actually has multiple names. Every time he would call from a different phone a different name would show up on the caller ID. “Jealous Terrorist” claimed all names to be his. He must have at least eight names that I know of. He had two different last names, three different first names and a few middle names.
Here are some of his many names. In no particular order mainly because I have no clue what the order would be. Al Almadeus Ali Mohammad Ahmed Hussien Asshole - I gave him that one That’s all I can recall at the moment.
"Jealous Terrorist" had a strong accent, which I had trouble understanding & he had trouble understanding me. I asked him if he was Cuban, he said yes but he thought I said I was Cuban. So I was Cuban while we dated. I tried to tell him I wasn’t Cuban but it was a lost cause. I believed he was Cuban for a while but he later told me he was Italian. (I was always lost in our conversations)
“Jealous Terrorist” was really Middle Eastern, Egyptian to be exact. He told me he was Catholic but he was Muslim. I guess he was having an identity crisis.
Everything in this relationship was confusing. He was my first rebound & my last. “Jealous Terrorist” is my all time biggest regret. I was my own little country with my very own little terrorist to torture me. Just writing about him makes me want to hunt him down and step on him with my heel digging into his brain. Then I would like to call “Kinda Built” for a favor. I'll make sure he brings a jar of formaldehyde. I’m going to give you a bit more background on “Jealous Terrorist” before I begin all my stories about him. He desperately needs anger management He doesn’t understand the word “no” He treats his cat better than people He discriminates against females He’s in need of listening skills He has short-man syndrome He’s extremely jealous He’s a control freak He’s impatient He’s abusive
He lies a lot
I'll start the first story in my next entry. It will take several entries to tell everything about this idiot. I'll leave you some story subjects to ponder.
1. Thanksgiving
2. Bras
3. Christmas
4. Soap
5. Son
6. X-Wife
7. Daughter
8. Cat
9. Ernie's
10. Cleaners
11. Chicken
12. deodorant
Be sure to check back for your reading pleasure!
- Mood:drained
- Music:"The Distance" - Cake
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| I am sooooooooooooooooo mad!!!!!! I just finished writing a super long post & then it disappeared never to be found again. This is the 2nd time it's happened on LJ. From now on I'm going to copy & paste from word. There are little red horns growing out the top of my head & red smoke coming out of my ears. I may be growing a tail too. When my anger wears off I'll try to post again.
While I'm feeling like a "devious she-devil" I think I will take this as an opportunity for revenge. If you read my post from May 18, you will understand the picture. In my post that disappeared I had written more about "Elvis's Son". I will try to rewrite that post at a later date. I changed his name to "Paranoid Dead-Beat". You will find out why in my next entry. Stay Tuned....
He's wearing my shirt, which I never got back.
He was trying to look cool & sexy, but instead he looks like he just smelled a really, really, bad toot. Gotta Love it! - Mood:angry
 - Music:"What It's Like" - Everlast
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| Okay, this story needs to be read in a very country twang voice. If you choose to read it in any other voice besides redneck twang I'm dumber than a doorknob, than you won't get the full effect.
I dated a dumb-ass named "Elvis's Son" who was a country & rock-a-billy musician in DFW. He was from Boon-Docks, TX. Hence the country twang. Every time he would go anywhere he would give strangers his cd. I thought I threw mine away a few years ago, but I found another one today. Finding his cd inspired me to write about him today.
Information on the back of "Elvis's Son" cd tells me you can purchase your very own signed cd at "Boot Town". After this entry gets posted, I know millions of people will be running out to "Boot Town" to get their hot copy.
Maybe you should consider spending the night outside of "Boot Town" so you're sure to get one. It has "Limited Edition" on the front, so this could be your one and only chance. I'd have to agree that it is definitely a "Limited Edition" since there is only one song on it. I suppose I could tell you the name of the song. Let's make a deal, if you want the name of that "One Limited Edition Song" than just ask for it in the comment area & you may get lucky.
Oh' My God! I just opened the cd case & found another cd inside by Elvis's Son. I think they are multiplying, but this cd has two songs on it. Not just one but TWO songs for my listening pleasure. Oh' wait.....no, no, one of the songs is the same song from the other cd. A marketing ploy.
"Elvis's Son" photograph is on the cover & it looks like he tried to have a "I'm cool & sexy look on his face", but it turned out looking like he smells a silent but deadly fart. (the kind of toot that my past boyfriend would get when he ate eggs) I wish I could post old "Elvis's Sons" picture on here. I guess I could cover up his name on the cd. (I'll think about doing that)
Alright, I know you are getting impatient wanting to know where "Elvis's Son" acquired the name. I was on a date with "Elvis's Son" at Cantina Laredo & he told me he was adopted from a ritzy adoption agency in Fort Worth.
(I have no clue what the name is or if there is one). I'm just the messenger.
Anyway, he told me that his biological mother was killed in an apartment fire in Nashville when he was just a baby. He didn't mention why his Dad didn't keep him so I didn't ask. "Elvis's Son" said that people told him all the time that he looked just like Elvis Presley. He had been singing Elvis songs & shaking his hips just like Elvis since the age of three.
I can' t remember exactly how he found out the next bit of information but I will do my best. Rumor has it that his biological mother was boinking Elvis Presley. So he totally believes that Elvis is his Daddy.
I thought I would die right then and there when he said that, because the people in the booth behind us heard him & kept turning around and laughing. Plus, he had already given them one of his signed I smelled a fart cd's. Not only that, he had also given them to all the waiters who can barely speak English. He told all these people to hold on to that cd because it will be worth a lot of money one day when he hits it big. (like whatever dude)
Needless to say, I didn't keep him around after that. Unfortunately, I would see him out all the time. A few years ago I saw him and he told me that he was about to go on tour with Willie Nelson. Then he said that in the next three months he was gonna hit it big & be famous, but to keep quiet about it. He actually said he thought I might ruin his chance of being famous. How in the hell could I do that? I guess he just wants someone to blame when he's 70 & still handing out cd's at Cantina Laredo. Well that was three years ago & if he is famous now his fame hasn't reached the USA yet.
He still calls me every now & then. Thank goodness for caller id. Interestingly, he left me a message back in January about moving to Biloxi, (which is where I am from) & painting damaged homes from Hurricane Katrina. He wanted me to show him around town. He paints houses in between gigs, which is more like he does gigs in between painting houses. I had told him I moved back to Biloxi a few months earlier so he would stop bugging me. So much for that idea.
Oops! I never returned his phone call so I guess he is still looking for me in Biloxi. For some reason I don't see much fame in his future. My friend & I went to hear him play one night and we counted exactly ten people there. Three of the people were his relatives. Shame they had to come all the way from Boone-Docks, TX just to see the same number of people as they do in their own hometown. No Big "D" party night for them. I'll update you if I see him on the Country Music Awards. Yippee-i-a!!! - Mood:sleepy
- Music:"Scorpio Tequila" - Trish Murphy
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| It was the very first time I ever tried internet dating. I had been living in Dallas for one year. I've always been shy around straight men unless I have a few jacks first. "Jacks" as in Jack Daniels not three men named "Jack". Just wanted to clarify that for those who may be Southern Baptist.
Anyway, I posted an ad on oneandonly.com, which at the time was the one and only Internet dating service. Little did I know what I was getting myself into. There should really be a class called "Internet Dating 101" for the naive. I wouldn't need it now because I'm a pro at online dating, but it sure would have come in handy back then. Ladies if you too would like to be promoted to "pro at online dating" it's really quite simple. All it takes is four little words and those words are "JUST QUIT DOING IT"!!!
Back to my date "Kinda Built", for those of you who aren't familiar I never use the real names of men I have dated. I only use two words that remind me of them. So "Kinda" is his first name & "Built" is his last name. Ok, I get this email from a guy in Arkansas and it was so sweet, complimentary & his profile sounded great. There was no picture of him posted, but he described himself as attractive with dark brown hair & kinda built.
He told me he had a home gym so one could only assume he worked out. After all, why bother telling me you have a home gym if you don't use it. We talked for a while and he asked me if he flew in town on his private plane could he take me to dinner. So I agreed & I met him at the Mansion Hotel where he was staying. Remember I have never seen this guy. I only know he is "kinda built" with dark brown hair and supposedly attractive.
"Kinda Built" told me to ask the concierge to take me to him in the bar where he would be waiting. As she is leading me through the bar I'm looking around at the different men thinking to myself this is like being at the Humane Society. First I see a huge, obese, mastiff & pray that is not him. Thankfully she passes him and then I see a sad & lonely old basset hound, that's not him either. Next there is a debonair greyhound, but he is with a fru-fru blond poodle. I saw a shaved cat order a dry martini, a bichon with Christmas lights in her hair. Then there were the two male pomeranians celebrating their one year anniversary. I love pomeranians they are so fun to shop with.
I was beginning to wonder who I was going to end up adopting for the night. Suddenly, my nightmare begins when the mastiff signals the concierge over to him. Yes, lucky me has finally found her online date.
My immediate thought was "What the hell is he thinking?
He's NOT "Kinda Built", he's "A BUILDING" & I don't mean a skyscraper he is the freaking "Super Dome"!!!
Now I'm going to jump ahead to mid dinner when he begins to tell me his father is the Sheriff of a town someplace in Arkansas. "Super Dome" (name change required) is the Deputy. He proceeds to tell me that he and his father didn't think a criminal was going to get enough punishment for the crime he committed, so they decided to take justice into their own hands.
They went to the criminals house the night before his sentencing & hog-tied him & then castrated him. Yes! I said castrated him, not only did they castrate him they also brought a jar of formaldehyde with them so they could keep his testicles on a shelf in their office.
Thank God for Jack Daniels! I was speechless. I mean how does someone reply to something like that? Am I suppose to say "Wow that really took a lot of balls to do that". Instead, I just said, "really" (in a that's interesting & you are a wacko kind of way) & then I excused myself and went to the restroom. I thought about calling in a bomb threat to the Mansion Restaurant so my nightmare could end asap, but the horizontal stripes you have to wear in prison are not figure flattering.
I opted to go back out there & have a double jack on the rocks. Eventually the date came to an end. He walked me to my car and I jumped in as fast as I could so he wouldn't try to hug or kiss me goodbye. Then he asked me to roll down the window & he reached in to kiss me, BUT I had to turn my head. I NEVER kiss anyone I don't want to kiss. I've turned my head away many, many, times. (Tip for avoiding a kiss - pretend you dropped something & didn't even notice he was trying to kiss you. That makes him feel less embarrassed for attempting to kiss you. Trust me it works.)
After all, who wants to kiss a guy that has a jar of human testicles in his office displayed like a knick-knack? Who I ask? Not this chick. The lesson we learn from this story is never, never, never trust how someone describes their self, always do a criminal record check before the date & politely ask if they have a jar of formaldehyde in their office.
Guinness Book Of Records
Worlds Largest Dog is a Mastiff named Hercules aka "Super Dome"
Dog Weight - 282  - Mood:nauseated
 - Music:"Chick-A-Boom" - Daddy Dewdrop
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| I have been dating since I was 15 years old. My BIG "4-0" is just around the corner in October & I'm stilllll dating.
Yes, I would like some cheese with that wine.
I haven't married yet, but I've been purposed to a few times. I don't want any children so I don't care if my biological clock stops ticking tomorrow. If I could find the batteries I'd take them out myself.
My journal is all about my dating days. Long-term relationships, short-term, first dates, blind dates, double dates, we're in love & lost my virginity date, penis stuck in zipper date, wish you were dead dates, I'm climbing out the window date, I forgot I was on a date, breaking dates, no show dates, family fixing me up dates,
dating a State Senator, dating Mayor candidates, he's a wacko dates, finding out we're related dates, she's a lesbian & I didn't know this was a date, Middle Eastern dates, church dates, he tossed his cookies date, internet dating, just shoot me now dates, short man syndrome dates, why am I here dates, dates with a rock-a-billy, he thinks Elvis is his Daddy date,
vegetable dating, dating the devil, he's in jail date, dating a drug dealer, he murdered the Waffle House waitress, stalked by dixie mafia member,
dating alcoholics, dating con-artist, later finding out he is in the Ku Klux Klan dates, married men with children who forgot they were married with children dates, cheese-oids, dates with guys under 21, guys who need anger management, men in the closet dates, bushy brow dates,
zero hair all over dates, male stripper dating, he lives in his car date, dating the mattress guy, my Daddy had to bribe me to go on nerd date, dates with older men, dates with much younger men, (just call me a cougar or maybe a cab) & a whole lot more about dating in general.
I don't plan to go in any order when telling you about a past relationship or just a date. My memory isn't quite that organized. When someone comes to mind I'll just fly down the keyboard. I have plenty of stories to tell & yes they are all true. I will not refer to any of the male species by their real name. Instead, I will give them names that remind me of them. Such as the story I will tell in this first entry. I will call him the "Vegetable Guy".
Unfortunately, for my past boyfriends I was always the one to break-up with them. Only "two" have ever broken up with me. The first guy has been a vegetable for almost 11 years. I assure you I had nothing to do with that. Really, I didn't. I swear I didn't even poke my voodoo doll even once after he had that song "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover" dedicated to me as he walked out with that bleach blonde bimbetta boob bouncing bitch. Nah uh, I didn't poke that voodoo doll at all. He's lucky in a way because he got to stay "29" forever.
Not to be mean because I really do like him, but he has a teenie tiny weenie. I have never come across one that size in my entire "25" years. Something good did come out of all this. He never had to hear another girl asking "Is it in yet"? He was the 2nd person I ever slept with & I asked him that question & he said "yes". It was just like a vienna sausage. I use to love to eat those when I was a little girl until someone told me the ingredients. Barf! - Location:Dallas
- Mood:hopeful
 - Music:"I Walk The Earth" Voice Of The Beehives
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vixen's journal